As winter here in the north tightens its grasp once more, I am due for some reflection. On my life situation, goals, relations, creative and not so creative endeavours and how to balance it all.
Yesterday I watched Boyhood for the first time. I felt some of the same loss of clarity in the boy’s life as in my own after becoming an actual adult — aka growing into a pretentious directionless stoner. Up until like age 15 is fine but then the world becomes too large to make sense. There isn’t an optimal path anymore and successful navigation demands steering straight ahead into some unknown.
I oft wonder what kind of direction I am keeping in my own life and if I have the guts to see it through. When I started my studies in computer science I mostly wanted to utilize it for creative work. I have since found myself entrenched in meaningless schoolwork I find too rigorous, boxed in and joyless, and been too stressed to focus on the things I really love. Of course I have also practiced useful skills, responsibility, time management etc., and I know an education is ultimately an important investment for getting over some societal hurdles alot easier in addition to a well needed kick in the arse.
Five years is a dauntingly long time, but I’ll still be myself in the end. I choose CS because I believe the digital to be the most plastic form of expression, capable of the wildest malleability. It can also be a real trap. Technology is best used sparingly.
From what I understand it takes a real commitment and a real disciplined work ethic to succeed with creative endeavours. I do (at times) believe I have enough of the creative magic dust inside me to create cool (great..🫣?) stuff, if I dedicate myself enough, which of course is the really hard part.
tldr; Adulting takes too much energy from sensitive young bean who wants to be a creative but not too fuzzy.
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Sooo… what I wanna do then?? Can I say digital concept art ? Freedom technologies ? Hymns for the lonely ? Silly little jokes ? Cozy collaborative spaces ?
Through education and pursuing interesting side projects I hope to launch myself into a position where creating some stuff of that sort is possible.
My dream is to have a graffiti crew. Or a band. Can I start a band of blogger punks? Would you join it? That small scale, strong bond, creative energy is what I’m after. And not boxed in either, I want a crew that can make digital as well as physical graffiti.
If you want to achieve something it is a good idea to surround yourself with people who are doing that thing or as close to it as possible, I have heard. But surrounding oneself with a specific group of people is not so easy. It requires reaching out, communication, participation, engagement, all that stuff that I find outside my comfort zone. And most of the time the people I find doing interesting stuff are micro-celebrities online — people who already deal with many others reaching out, which makes it harder for me to justify that they should be allocating time for me.
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Coming back to this draft a week later, I’ve been bogged down by a feeling of hopelessness for the state of the world — global heating, oligarchy and so on. I realized what I really need is to give myself some space, patch myself up and start rebuilding my shrivelled up creative and social muscles. I have been putting too much pressure on myself and looking too far ahead. Getting good grades while also working and doing interesting side projects was too much.
The time may come when I can articulate my winged unicorn of a dream and actually do somethin’ about it. For now I’m not gonna let it chew my heart into pieces, but simply sleep soundly in its depths. The sun will rise again. Peace to you, you strange fellow sojourner.